How Metal Saved The Princess

POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and fucks her.

HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave....without the princess.

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the
castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again,
slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third
time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the
dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

METALCORE:
The protagonist arrives via huge brand new Dodge Ram with 40 inch tires and a horribly painted flame job and begins screaming incoherently at the dragon in a pseudo-angry fashion, flexes and chugs 20 beers. The dragon promptly eats him, spitting out the rings and bars from his numerous facial piercings, and kills the princess.